Acceptance - Painful but Necessary Part II
Martin A. Mimmack, M.Ed.

Self-acceptance (how well we feel about various aspects of ourselves) may be the most crucial aspect of our mental health. We all know people value things like personal satisfaction, emotional peace, true happiness and the ability to resolve our own moral and psychological conflicts. Sometimes, however, individuals and society  stigmatize “mental health.”

Self-acceptance has three major dimensions:

Familial - How well one feels about each person in their family, the number and intensity of conflicts with family members and how you think each person, including oneself, gauged the resolution.
1.     If relations with members of one's family are not good, this often creates personal conflicts that strike at the core of our self-esteem (e.g., did our feelings get hurt).
2.     We gain self-acceptance in this area by our willingness to forgive and forget, communicate openly and honestly and regularly engage in activities that you have in common, preferably one-on-one (bonding).

Physical - How well one feels about his/her body.
1.     If one does not like various characteristics of one’s body (e.g., I am too tall, or  too short, or too big, or too small, or too light, or to heavy, or my face is too flat, or my nose is too big, or I have too many pimples, or I have to wear make-up to feel I look OK/good, etc.), then self-acceptance may suffer.
2.     Physical self-acceptance is built through:
A.     A complicated and confusing, long and hard process of evaluating why the way you look makes you feel bad.
B.     A rejection of cultural beliefs like “survival of the fittest,” and media/hollywood standards of the totally “buff.”
C.     An awareness of repeated negative self-evaluations and of whether this comes from jealousy, peer pressure, or our feelings about boyfriends and girlfriends.

Psychological/Emotional - How well one feels about personal and moral dilemmas such a one’s ability to learn and make things, or a conflict between what your parents tell you and what your peers tell you about the same thing.
1.     If one experiences major or repeated psychological/emotional pain/conflict (e.g., have thoughts about suicide, hate or depression) please tell your parents or meet with a school counselor. Usually every adult is concerned and will help if you ask. Sometimes adults will see this pain in your body language. If an adult asks you about looking depressed or upset, the best thing to do is tell them how you feel.
2.     This aspect of self-acceptance is very unique, special and important to each one of us. One’s feelings, decisions, characteristics, skills, etc. are constantly judged by others and by oneself. One moves closer to self-acceptance by honestly figuring out “how to” become more comfortable with people (especially Mothers, Fathers, Brothers, Sisters), with our bodies/the way we look, and with our conflicts/moods/decisions (e.g., making an admonition its OK to feel psychological/emotional pain and making a commitment to feel better).

Previous Blog Below

Compassion Has No Face
By Martin A. Mimmack
First in a Five Part Series

In this series, I discuss the richness, diversity and complexity of compassion. Trying to use the simplest language, I explain what I understand to be the most important academic, spiritual, financial and cultural aspects of compassion. Sometimes we disagree about what is compassionate.  Compassion can be about the body, mind, animals, soil or other things that are not sentient. It is about the subjects (e.g., caregivers and receivers) or about compassion as an “object.”

There are many kinds of compassion.  Three major divisions are: 1) compassion for other sentient beings; 2) compassion for self; and 3) compassion for things. As one living in contemporary pop culture, one of the best kinds of compassion is that of the four way stop.  I do not mean to be sarcastic, but let’s get real, organic farming wages compassion. And as one who cherishes life and peace, the Sea Sheppard, MoveOn.org and Thich Nhat Hanh demonstrate compassionate living. Just think of all of the different types of compassion. Imagine the possibilities.
 
    For example, there is the kind of compassion we see when Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt make the news. Then there is the compassion we experienced after Katrina. Perhaps you provided compassion first-hand or received a clean pair of underwear. And don't forget the compassion when saliva is wiped from the chin of the disabled.

    I don’t like to put acts of compassion on a scale. Who is to say one act of compassion is better than another. Almost by definition, compassion does not allow judgments. Some may believe that Warren Buffet’s giving 30 billion is self-less compassion. The centrists may say that there is a compassionate “aspect” to what he did. Others may think that Warren giving 30 billion to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has absolutely nothing to do with compassion. And still others justify how those who benefit are unworthy. Regardless, sometimes compassion gets obscured by clouds. So often those clouds are the "means" of compassion not the "ends."

    I think some of this comes from the constant media frenzy. We often see, here about and feel compassion on the phone, internet, TV or at church. While watching C-SPAN recently, my ears perked up when I heard John Edwards give his slant on cultural compassion. He believes that when it comes to acts of compassion, Americans seem to operate through a sense of guilt.

    There is a deeply personal kind of compassion. When water touches the tongue of the dehydrated; when forgiveness of self brings relief and acceptance; when listening is the only thing done. These are the moments. These are the moments when compassion soars. It is as if, when the act becomes so personal it leaves the individuals behind and compassion itself takes flight.

Without trying to play the “morality card” my feeling is that the beauty of compassion lays in compassion itself not in its subjects or in its analysis. It creates a life of its own. When relief is felt, when pure food sprouts, compassion lives at that moment. It lives apart from the people involved. It lives apart from the space and time that it occurs. Compassion is always greater than the sum of its parts. The action of compassion surpasses the actors/things of compassion.

    Compassion is always fair, it is always just, it is always warm and inviting.  Compassion is never rough, it's never costly, it's never isolated. Compassion is and should always remain limitless.  Create a compassionate relationship and you will discover that compassion has no face.

    In upcoming articles, I build on this concept of compassion as its own life force.

© Martin A. Mimmack, M.Ed. - All Rights Reserved